Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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