so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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