i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
