I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
