She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
two words: eviction party
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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