she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
