I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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