Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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