do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
