I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
