can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
