oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
