she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
