i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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