Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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