You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
