Umm I'm too high to move.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
