; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
