I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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