Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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