just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She told me I should be a condom model.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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