I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
