So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
