don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
