if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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