So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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