can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
