Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
