He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
