your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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