I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
