yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i need an iv and a liver transplant
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
