im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
try to milk me bitch
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