Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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