Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
