i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize