Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize