some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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