have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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