There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
