i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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