mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
