You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
