I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
do herpes really smell.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
