Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
