i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize