I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
