The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
