She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
