I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
