can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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