I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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