my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
