I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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