I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
