I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
