i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
