worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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