how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
