She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
