Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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