Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
